Self Intimacy: The Deep Connection We Cherish
One of my biggest flaws is that I can't sit still. I tend to drown out the silence with distractions. On the way to work, I often play my music too loudly to cover up my thoughts. Over the weekend I was in a discussion with my cousin about God and prayer, and my utter avoidance of it. Trying to do things "the right way" instead of trusting in "my own way".
After work, I come home and crave intimate alone time only to zone out with distractions using social media or television to relax. Lately, I have been over-exercising in order to feel any sense of accomplishment. Spending my weekend's distracting myself with outside forces in a small bubble too tired to be much of a good friend to anyone because I haven't taken care of myself throughout the week. I've become overly annoyed and lazy.
So I have decided to dedicate more time to personal intimacy instead of mindlessly numbing myself to my surroundings. Because I have realized I have been treating myself poorly and with a lack of respect. I am not the person who I want to be and I am not loving myself the way my higher power loves me.
During this quarantine, I have been experiencing a longing for my aerial practice and I must be honest with myself about how I am handling that. I miss my gym and my community- it has been extremely hard being away from my practice. But, that is not an excuse to overindulge in exercise. Taking this time to learn and understand my limits is important. Maybe this time is a time for rest. I will also not punish my body for not being where it was months ago and understand that this is a process. I will embrace this change and leave all expectations behind me.
I recognize that I have an issue with numbing myself to my surroundings. Going forward I will practice mindfulness in my day to day life. Becoming more present will allow me to focus more on myself and develop a closer connection with my body, mind, and spirit. I will eat more mindful, sit with my thoughts, and clear my mind in a way that allows me to connect closely without fear. Taking efforts towards a more intimate relationship with my soul.
Trust My Path
One of the hardest things when it comes to spirituality for me is learning to trust my own path. If there is a "right way to God" I want to find it. I am obsessed with being perfect. I am constantly studying religions just to see where I fit in. What is hard for me to do is sit and listen to the silence. To trust myself. As I learn to practice self intimacy I will learn to sit with myself and my higher power. To sit with the silence and to listen. To not judge my path and to not be obsessed with perfection. To love myself and others as God (how I see God to be) loves myself and others.
There in me lies this need to understand the world and my place in it. I demand to be loved a certain way and if I am not then I do not partake in the relationship. Learning this side of me is heartbreaking. Moving forward I want to reclaim my intimacy and surrender this control. I will release myself from this suffering. No longer will I need to demand this intensity. I will be more intimate with myself and love myself the way I need to be loved instead of demanding it from outside relationships.
Recently I have been holding back tears and being closed off with myself. If I want to continue to grow I must be open and honest. Allowing vulnerability in my life and with myself. Allowing myself to cry, be shaken up, let go and live. To express myself fully and love myself unconditionally.
I carry around anger in suitcases and it has become too heavy. Mostly I am angry with myself. I consistently use this anger to punish myself and hold myself back from things that I deserve in life, like love, joy, and security. If I am short with someone, let someone down or am cold towards someone I hold that pain in my heart, and terrorize myself for weeks. I do not practice forgiveness. Moving forward I will allow myself to make mistakes. I will be kinder, more compassionate, I will understand the inner workings of unconditional love and what it means to fall apart and be put back together gently. Because if I do not learn to love myself despite my flaws how can I move forward with practicing forgiveness?
Over these last few weeks, I have felt so out of touch with myself. As if I have been abusing myself for the purpose of abuse. Lacking intimacy in my life when there has been me along to provide it. Moving forward I will pay more attention to myself and my needs. Giving myself more attention, caressing myself when needed. The more I feel a lack of intimacy in my life the more I will provide it for myself. This is how I will find unconditional love.