Guilt is a Wasted Emotion
Most of my life I weighed myself down with guilt. Guilt over what food I ate, what size I was, what grades I got- pushing myself to achieve a false idea of perfection. Creating expectations that were impossible to meet only to turn around and punish myself.
Guilt. Guilt over things I had no control, my parent's divorce, my father's addiction- his affection, my mother's cancer. Feelings of self-worth tied in with how thin I could be, a false idea of what acceptance was. The more I restrict the more "enough" I became.
Through my recovery process, I learned that guilt is a wasted emotion. It doesn't serve me, it hasn't taught me anything, it held me back and kept me down. Creating self-doubt and minimizing my accomplishments. Guilt lied and stole my truth.
Working through guilt has been difficult. I often find myself feeling guilty for things that are not my responsibility, things that I have no control over, or things that are human nature. It takes me a moment to step back and remind myself that people have their own stories to write and lives to live, that I must allow them to make their own decisions and if things go badly it's not my fault.
I also constantly have to remove the feeling associated with guilt and food. For so long I rewarded "good" with the act of nourishing my body- something that is needed for survival and felt guilty if I ate and didn't "deserve" it. It took me years to get this mentality out of my mind. With therapy and tons of work, I can say I am on the right path. Sure there are days when I am moody and anxious around food but I often leave the guilt at home.
Mostly my days are filled with times I say yes to dessert or going out to eat with friends and I don't feel guilty or have to negotiate with my eating disorder voice on what I am allowed to consume. I am able to eat in public and walk in my own kitchen without feeling guilty or having to have "earned" the right to do so.
Though it's a process I feel I am in a good place to say "guilt is a wasted emotion."