Finding Connection With a Higher Power: Having a Complicated Understanding of Spirituality
Let Go and Let God...
I really hated that phrase when I first heard it. Surrender. Pray about it. Meditate.
If I were to describe my relationship with my higher power at the moment I would use the term, complicated. Which is much better than it was a few months ago. A few months ago it was rage. I have this habit of playing the victim in my own life's narrative, where I like to blame a higher power, the universe, outside forces, for all the ill will that falls upon me.
It's selfish really, to think the universe's plan is devised around 'getting me'. But it kept me occupied from taking a real look into the deeper parts of me.
I find that I am not so scary to spend time with. That there are things in my past I could not control, that I played a part in, and that I constantly try to re-create in my adult relationships. Though I used to hide my pain and curse the universe for giving me the life it did- I am not any less worthy due to the mistakes I made, nor am I any less lovable because I was made to feel like I was. I find that I am compassionate, strong, sensible and emotionally open.
I used to think that phrase was all about trusting in a higher power without question. What I have come to find out is that it really means letting go of resentment, pain, and fear- the things that held me from finding my purpose and forgiving myself and others.
Most of my life I was so fixated on being the victim in my story, focused on my suffering that I didn't allow myself to grow. Because who was I without the pain? I would exhaust myself by drudging up traumas simply to hide in them. I was unable to heal relationships, or find a path to fix the anger inside- always directing it towards a power greater than myself and the qualifiers in my life. Because it had to be the universe's plan for me to be destroyed.
I was supposed to be miserable and broken- "You made them sick, addicted, and unable to love me, so you must hate me" These were my prayers. I felt out of control and unworthy of connection.
I have learned that the more I try and control the more my life is unmanageable. That this family disease has no mercy and I must turn to a higher power in order to release myself from fear. The "what I call my higher power" part? Now that, I am still trying to work through. But, hey- progress not perfection.
I have no control. I can not change the darkness or past. And I did not cause this illness.
I feel like I receive a message from a higher power often in the form of clarity "you have to do the work and I'll be here". I release myself from trying to "save" or "hold" everyone together, and I find that I am less sick and able to create stronger boundaries that hold me accountable. I understand others more. I have a deeper sense of compassion but mostly I know that I am lovable.
Maybe it's that simple, clarity as a higher power. The clarity to see myself, to know that I and others are worthy of love and understanding. The clarity to find peace and consistency. I am grateful for the progress I am making, and allowing myself this opportunity to heal.